What would you get if you took a stadium full of rowdy, drunk, costumed football fanatics and put them in a small, dark room together?
Answer: Karneval.
The most interesting part of Karneval is so-called German party music.
You don't dance to German party music. You hop up and down. Or you form a circle with ten of your best buddies and sway from side to side in time to the music.
You're supposed to sing along, and they'll play the same songs multiple times throughout the night so by the end of the night you'll know all the songs even if you didn't when you came in.
Be careful. The following video is really loud.
Cologne is the big Karneval town in Germany, kind of like New Orleans is in the U.S. So a lot of the songs were about Cologne. For example, they changed the lyrics from "New York, New York" to be about Cologne.
My favorite song of the night was one called Wasser von Köln, a gospel ode to beer.
Germany.
Donnerstag, 26. Februar 2009
Dienstag, 24. Februar 2009
Work Your Tongue
I don't want to talk with an accent.
Some accents, if they're not too thick, are crazysexycool. Like a Russian accent. Or a Spanish accent. Or French.
But I don't think an American accent is like that. My guess is that it sounds just plain dumb. You know, like a Chinese accent, which sounds like a speech impediment. Or a Boston accent, which sounds like the aftereffects of a trip to the dentist.
Berliners have an uncanny knack for speaking English with only the faintest accent, but one of my favorite things is when they intentionally lay it on thick. They sound exactly like Augustus Gloop.
I can instantly recognize an American accent, and the biggest problem with it is that it makes the German language sound terrible. It's the worst of two worlds: all the sloppy sh's and schpl's of German with all the hard ick's and rrr's of English. It sounds like a nerd trying to curse.
I'm pretty good at foreign accents and I've always looked down on students who were too embarrassed even to try making strange sounds. But the more German I speak, the harder it gets to speak without my native accent.
You see, speaking with a foreign accent is a *physical* as well as a mental challenge. I mean, it's actually physically difficult to make the sounds. When you're only saying a word or a single sentence, it's not so bad, but when you've got to talk for several hours, your tongue and lips just get tired!
If you learned to talk in one accent, it is pretty difficult to talk in another. Every syllable requires deliberate effort. And it tends to fall off when you're tired or...otherwise impaired.
You know, it's like back when you learned handwriting. Remember how your hand used to hurt from holding the pencil for so long, and how it took so much concentration and effort to make sure you stayed within the lines and made the right shapes?
Well, speaking German is like practicing grammar school handwriting, except you have to write with your tongue.
Some accents, if they're not too thick, are crazysexycool. Like a Russian accent. Or a Spanish accent. Or French.
But I don't think an American accent is like that. My guess is that it sounds just plain dumb. You know, like a Chinese accent, which sounds like a speech impediment. Or a Boston accent, which sounds like the aftereffects of a trip to the dentist.
Berliners have an uncanny knack for speaking English with only the faintest accent, but one of my favorite things is when they intentionally lay it on thick. They sound exactly like Augustus Gloop.
I can instantly recognize an American accent, and the biggest problem with it is that it makes the German language sound terrible. It's the worst of two worlds: all the sloppy sh's and schpl's of German with all the hard ick's and rrr's of English. It sounds like a nerd trying to curse.
I'm pretty good at foreign accents and I've always looked down on students who were too embarrassed even to try making strange sounds. But the more German I speak, the harder it gets to speak without my native accent.
You see, speaking with a foreign accent is a *physical* as well as a mental challenge. I mean, it's actually physically difficult to make the sounds. When you're only saying a word or a single sentence, it's not so bad, but when you've got to talk for several hours, your tongue and lips just get tired!
If you learned to talk in one accent, it is pretty difficult to talk in another. Every syllable requires deliberate effort. And it tends to fall off when you're tired or...otherwise impaired.
You know, it's like back when you learned handwriting. Remember how your hand used to hurt from holding the pencil for so long, and how it took so much concentration and effort to make sure you stayed within the lines and made the right shapes?
Well, speaking German is like practicing grammar school handwriting, except you have to write with your tongue.
Sonntag, 22. Februar 2009
Cruel Trick
The other night I made some lady get on the wrong train.
Well, I didn't *make* her. And anyway, that's what you get for relying on a stranger to navigate your trip through Berlin at 1 am.
I've told you before that on weekdays öffentliches Verkehrsmittel (that's public transportation to you Yanks) goes completely off the rails after midnight.
By that I mean trains between points A and Z just suddenly stop at point E and the conductor tells you to get off. Then you have to wait 10 minutes for another train to come along and take you to point F, at which time the conductor tells you to get off again.
You know, German's not the most pleasant language, but I have to admit that "Bitte alle aussteigen" sounds a lot more polite than "Everyone please get off."
Anyway, so that's what happened. And there I was standing on the platform in the cold. That's when some lady asked me, in English, which train went to point A.
I told her I didn't know. Then I told her that the train I had just gotten off of had come from point A, so it probably wasn't that one.
Unfortunately, she believed me.
She went and got on the other train.
No sooner had she done so than the doors closed and the train she was on started going in the wrong direction.
Then the train I had warned her away from, my old train, closed its doors and reversed its course, heading backwards toward point A.
The funny thing was, the wrong train that I made the lady get on? That's the train *I* wanted to be on. I had to take a series of buses home.
Well, I didn't *make* her. And anyway, that's what you get for relying on a stranger to navigate your trip through Berlin at 1 am.
I've told you before that on weekdays öffentliches Verkehrsmittel (that's public transportation to you Yanks) goes completely off the rails after midnight.
By that I mean trains between points A and Z just suddenly stop at point E and the conductor tells you to get off. Then you have to wait 10 minutes for another train to come along and take you to point F, at which time the conductor tells you to get off again.
You know, German's not the most pleasant language, but I have to admit that "Bitte alle aussteigen" sounds a lot more polite than "Everyone please get off."
Anyway, so that's what happened. And there I was standing on the platform in the cold. That's when some lady asked me, in English, which train went to point A.
I told her I didn't know. Then I told her that the train I had just gotten off of had come from point A, so it probably wasn't that one.
Unfortunately, she believed me.
She went and got on the other train.
No sooner had she done so than the doors closed and the train she was on started going in the wrong direction.
Then the train I had warned her away from, my old train, closed its doors and reversed its course, heading backwards toward point A.
The funny thing was, the wrong train that I made the lady get on? That's the train *I* wanted to be on. I had to take a series of buses home.
Germans are Stupid
Friends of the blog know how I feel about jaywalking. I eagerly promote it. And I scoff at those who object to it. I scoff heartily.
But in Berlin, jaywalking or bei Rot laufen, is seen as bad behavior. I've been publicly scolded for doing it. Deutsch-slapped. An old woman literally shouted at me across the street.
Well, Germans are just stupid.
Or so I thought.
You know how Europeans don't drink tap water because there's this sort of common understanding that tap water is dirty? (God knows why they don't use ice).
Well, it turns out there's a similar explanation for why they don't cross on red.
My language partner explained to me that she was once stopped by the police for jaywalking. Now, that's reason enough to be careful. But *why* would the police stop anyone for jaywalking? It's just absurd.
Then Claudia explained that the police rebuked her for...setting a bad example for children.
You see, according to German common sense, jaywalking makes one a veritable pied piper. All the children within sight will follow your lead, step off the curb without looking both ways, and get hit by speeding cars.
When Claudia told me this, I couldn't resist shouting in German at her across the table at the restaurant: "YOU ALMOST MURDERED A CHILD!"
Not nice, I know, but I had too. My favorite moral equivalence arguments are the ones that equate something totally innocuous with murdering babies.
So you can see, can't you, why jaywalking would be so highly frowned on here? I mean, insofar as you see something wrong with kids getting hit by cars. Which is the part I'm still having trouble with.
I told Claudia that parents are solely responsible for their own kids. I'm not responsible if I set a bad example for your dog and he follows me out into the street and becomes roadkill. Keep him on a leash. The same goes for your kids.
I know some American lady once wrote a book called "It Takes a Village", suggesting (at least by the title) that one is responsible for raising other people's children. Which is clearly foolish.
Right?
Suppose, for the sake of argument, that I make the world a more dangerous place for children by jaywalking. Have I done something wrong?
But in Berlin, jaywalking or bei Rot laufen, is seen as bad behavior. I've been publicly scolded for doing it. Deutsch-slapped. An old woman literally shouted at me across the street.
Well, Germans are just stupid.
Or so I thought.
You know how Europeans don't drink tap water because there's this sort of common understanding that tap water is dirty? (God knows why they don't use ice).
Well, it turns out there's a similar explanation for why they don't cross on red.
My language partner explained to me that she was once stopped by the police for jaywalking. Now, that's reason enough to be careful. But *why* would the police stop anyone for jaywalking? It's just absurd.
Then Claudia explained that the police rebuked her for...setting a bad example for children.
You see, according to German common sense, jaywalking makes one a veritable pied piper. All the children within sight will follow your lead, step off the curb without looking both ways, and get hit by speeding cars.
When Claudia told me this, I couldn't resist shouting in German at her across the table at the restaurant: "YOU ALMOST MURDERED A CHILD!"
Not nice, I know, but I had too. My favorite moral equivalence arguments are the ones that equate something totally innocuous with murdering babies.
So you can see, can't you, why jaywalking would be so highly frowned on here? I mean, insofar as you see something wrong with kids getting hit by cars. Which is the part I'm still having trouble with.
I told Claudia that parents are solely responsible for their own kids. I'm not responsible if I set a bad example for your dog and he follows me out into the street and becomes roadkill. Keep him on a leash. The same goes for your kids.
I know some American lady once wrote a book called "It Takes a Village", suggesting (at least by the title) that one is responsible for raising other people's children. Which is clearly foolish.
Right?
Suppose, for the sake of argument, that I make the world a more dangerous place for children by jaywalking. Have I done something wrong?
Freitag, 20. Februar 2009
Buongiorno, meune Freunde, und Bon Apetite! Now Let's Eat Sushi!
It's Vlog time again! Hear all about my exotic new language partner.
Addendum
No sooner had I learned yesterday's German phrase than I started to see these posters all over Berlin. They advertise Berlin's Museum Island with a play on yesterday's phrase.
They promise "mehr sein als Schein", or more substance that show!
Incidentally, I took this photo while waiting for the night bus. I missed the last train to my neighborhood. Ugh. Don't go out during the week if you live am Arsch der Welt.
They promise "mehr sein als Schein", or more substance that show!
Incidentally, I took this photo while waiting for the night bus. I missed the last train to my neighborhood. Ugh. Don't go out during the week if you live am Arsch der Welt.
Donnerstag, 19. Februar 2009
German phrase of the week
mehr Schein als sein
My language partner taught me this week's phrase. She was referring to L.A. (although she's never been there).
"Mehr Schein als sein" (mare shine alce zEYEn) literally means "more appearance than being", which sounds rather Heideggerian, but it actually just means all flash and no substance.
My language partner taught me this week's phrase. She was referring to L.A. (although she's never been there).
"Mehr Schein als sein" (mare shine alce zEYEn) literally means "more appearance than being", which sounds rather Heideggerian, but it actually just means all flash and no substance.
Mittwoch, 18. Februar 2009
I Hate America
OK, so that's not true. I don't hate America. I love America. America's the best. No other country really holds a candle to it. America, you are beautiful, in every single way. Words can't bring you down. I would rather be American than any other nationality. Except for maybe half French/half Japanese like Sophie Fatale in Kill Bill. But then, she got her arm chopped off, so which is better in the long run: an American philosopher with both arms or a Franco-Japanese assassin with only one? Too close to call. So I'm sticking with American.
Nevertheless, could somebody please, please take a second to answer this simple, straightforward question for me: American beer, really?
After living in Berlin for five months, I've come to expect certain things from beer. Things like variety. Things like alcohol content. Things like flavor.
On all fronts, American beer, you disappoint me. Deeply.
I wouldn't water the plants with American beer.
If all the American beer in the world were on fire, I wouldn't pour one ounce of German beer on it to put it out.
If I were dying of thirst in the desert and I came across an ice cold American beer, I would use my last drop of bodily moisture to spit on it and keep crawling.
Yes, sometimes Germans do weird disgusting things to beer. Like combine it with green syrup, shots of alcohol, or soda. That's because German beer is indomitable. It's resilient. It can take all sorts of humiliation and still not lose its essential dignity.
I don't know what it is. I don't think it's the often-touted 500 year old Reinheitsgebot, the German beer purity regulations, which are no longer enforced and are often subject to exaggerated claims of compliance.
All I know is that German beer is to American beer what a French baguette is to Wonder bread, what a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut is to a marshmallow Peep, what Manhattan is to any other island in the world.
I'm looking at you, American beer. You ought to be ashamed.
Nevertheless, could somebody please, please take a second to answer this simple, straightforward question for me: American beer, really?
After living in Berlin for five months, I've come to expect certain things from beer. Things like variety. Things like alcohol content. Things like flavor.
On all fronts, American beer, you disappoint me. Deeply.
I wouldn't water the plants with American beer.
If all the American beer in the world were on fire, I wouldn't pour one ounce of German beer on it to put it out.
If I were dying of thirst in the desert and I came across an ice cold American beer, I would use my last drop of bodily moisture to spit on it and keep crawling.
Yes, sometimes Germans do weird disgusting things to beer. Like combine it with green syrup, shots of alcohol, or soda. That's because German beer is indomitable. It's resilient. It can take all sorts of humiliation and still not lose its essential dignity.
I don't know what it is. I don't think it's the often-touted 500 year old Reinheitsgebot, the German beer purity regulations, which are no longer enforced and are often subject to exaggerated claims of compliance.
All I know is that German beer is to American beer what a French baguette is to Wonder bread, what a fresh Krispy Kreme doughnut is to a marshmallow Peep, what Manhattan is to any other island in the world.
I'm looking at you, American beer. You ought to be ashamed.
Dienstag, 17. Februar 2009
German Food
I've collected a couple interesting photos of German food for you.
I saw this at the grocery store yesterday. It's a package of trail mix called "Student Feed".
At McDonald's they have, for a limited time, as they say, special rustic Austrian treats, such as this burger on a cheese and onion bun with bacon and a hash brown in it. It's called the Big Rösti.
I had one. It was good, but the burger alone was 4 euros. McD's and BK are both a lot more expensive here.
And finally, I feel like I no longer qualify as an American after preparing for myself this lunch of pickled herring on bread yesterday.
It just doesn't look much like something an American would go for, does it?
I saw this at the grocery store yesterday. It's a package of trail mix called "Student Feed".
At McDonald's they have, for a limited time, as they say, special rustic Austrian treats, such as this burger on a cheese and onion bun with bacon and a hash brown in it. It's called the Big Rösti.
I had one. It was good, but the burger alone was 4 euros. McD's and BK are both a lot more expensive here.
And finally, I feel like I no longer qualify as an American after preparing for myself this lunch of pickled herring on bread yesterday.
It just doesn't look much like something an American would go for, does it?
Montag, 16. Februar 2009
Green Beer
Elizabeth tried to explain to me how and why the beer I ordered for her was green.
Evidently this one beer (Berliner Weisse?) is supposed to be really bitter. So you can order it with a shot of syrup added. If you order it red, they add raspberry flavored syrup and it turns red. If you order it green, they add Woodruff flavored syrup and it turns green.
Do those words mean anything to anyone? Because I'm still deeply perplexed and more than a little frightened. Berlin is like Wonkaland sometimes.
Evidently this one beer (Berliner Weisse?) is supposed to be really bitter. So you can order it with a shot of syrup added. If you order it red, they add raspberry flavored syrup and it turns red. If you order it green, they add Woodruff flavored syrup and it turns green.
Do those words mean anything to anyone? Because I'm still deeply perplexed and more than a little frightened. Berlin is like Wonkaland sometimes.
Freitag, 13. Februar 2009
Dienstag, 10. Februar 2009
Speaking a Foreign Language is Like
...being quizzed on the multiplication table, except the table has 750 rows and columns, and the questions are embedded, so it's like "What's 623 times (117 times (58 times (345 times 6)))?" And then you have to answer by giving the square root of that. Times pi.
So I finally got a German conversation partner! Here's what I learned in 90 minutes of intense cultural and philosophical conversation:
1) All that grammar stuff you learned really matters. Like the genders, the cases, the prepositions, the conjugations. They matter because everyone notices every mistake you make, and each one makes you difficult to understand.
2) Speaking German to non-Germans doesn't count. It's like the difference between playing Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and having an actual street fight.
3) When your partner says, "there are people in Germany who speak worse German than you", she's actually trying to boost your self-esteem, not make you feel worthless.
4) Evidently, there are people in Germany who speak worse German than I do! Take that, migrant workers, tourists, and mentally disabled people!
So I finally got a German conversation partner! Here's what I learned in 90 minutes of intense cultural and philosophical conversation:
1) All that grammar stuff you learned really matters. Like the genders, the cases, the prepositions, the conjugations. They matter because everyone notices every mistake you make, and each one makes you difficult to understand.
2) Speaking German to non-Germans doesn't count. It's like the difference between playing Rock 'em Sock 'em Robots and having an actual street fight.
3) When your partner says, "there are people in Germany who speak worse German than you", she's actually trying to boost your self-esteem, not make you feel worthless.
4) Evidently, there are people in Germany who speak worse German than I do! Take that, migrant workers, tourists, and mentally disabled people!
Montag, 9. Februar 2009
Ladykracher 4. Staffel - Deutschunterricht
Does anyone reading this blog have any idea why this video is so funny? I saw the sketch, about a woman teaching German to some Turkish students, on TV a few months ago and was very tickled.
The funny thing is, their German is *perfect*, and what she's teaching them is the vulgar, sloppy, street German that, in the world of the sketch, is the proper way for Turkish Germans to speak.
I hope you can enjoy the sketch knowing no more than that. Well, also it might help to know that "du Hure" means, "you whore".
Berlinale Vlog
Today the blog gets too big for its britches. Forget blogging, screw podcasting, it's time for a vlog-about-town extraordinaire!
Ironically, the editing is *terrible*. I blame it all on my software.
Ironically, the editing is *terrible*. I blame it all on my software.
Freitag, 6. Februar 2009
All Aboard the Flirt Express!
Move over, Paris. Berlin is now Europe's most romantic city. On February 13th, the S-Bahn becomes the love boat. All aboard the Flirt Express!
Mittwoch, 4. Februar 2009
Anthropology
I forgot my PIN at the grocery store checkout on Monday evening. They took my groceries and I had to walk home to get the PIN and take the bus back. Fortunately, all my stuff was there in my cart waiting when I returned.
I discovered that under stress I can neither speak nor understand German.
I went to the mall and stopped into a store that had Levi's. Their dressing rooms were booths with short doors, so you could actually stand there without your pants on and look all the other shoppers in the eye.
I realized that when I'm nervous, like when I'm standing half-naked in the middle of a store trying to speak German to a salesman, I sweat a lot.
I discovered that under stress I can neither speak nor understand German.
I went to the mall and stopped into a store that had Levi's. Their dressing rooms were booths with short doors, so you could actually stand there without your pants on and look all the other shoppers in the eye.
I realized that when I'm nervous, like when I'm standing half-naked in the middle of a store trying to speak German to a salesman, I sweat a lot.
Montag, 2. Februar 2009
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